#wordoftheyear

Slow start

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So far the six days of January have felt like the entire month of December, it has gone so slow. I woke up on January 2nd disoriented to my job, having ten days of holiday time before. I had to remember exactly what I was doing.

This year definitely feels different than all those before it. I feel much more grounded in my life purpose and goals. I feel satisfied with nearly every part of my life. I am in a wonderful committed relationship that breathes life into me every day. I am writing my first book and freeing my story from within. I really got started with my nonprofit organization that I hope to retire building and growing.

But all of that was lost on me on January 2nd. All the goal setting I did days earlier sat dormant in my new journal. I passed the minutes of the day trying to organize my jobs for the year and reach out to coworkers. I had a couple hot tub breaks just to separate the day into smaller sections I could handle.

I choose a word for every year. Last year was “Control” and this year I chose a phrase instead of one word, “Start to Finish.” I have decided procrastination is not going to be in my vocabulary this year or beyond. I will begin things with the end in mind.

Boxes stacked up by the door from Christmas were left untouched. Laundry was undone. Life just wasn’t starting when it felt like I was at the beginning of the rest of my life.

And that is okay.

It is okay sometimes to just not being feeling it. It is okay to decide to start tomorrow. Or next week. On Wednesday, I sat down and wrote down all the things I wanted to accomplish every week. And then I outlined a daily routine that included everything on my list. Now I could be sitting in the evening wondering what to do and look at my list and know what I should do at that moment.

It improved my Thursday and Friday. I am still not completely driven and I plan for that to happen next week. For now I am relaxing this weekend. I did get all the house cleaning done and the laundry started.

So if you are being hard on yourself for not jumping right in to your new year resolutions and goals. Tomorrow is another day. Next week will be there for that. And if not, it won’t matter anyway!

Slow start

New year, new word

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Starting back in 2016, I started choosing a word for the year to focus myself and my goals to center around one thing.

My past words include simplify, peace, happy, dependable, consistency, and align. To be honest, that last one “align” wasn’t completely decided on for 2022 and I had abandoned in large part the idea of whether my words were even helping me.

They all are significant to me though. They are a great recall of where I was mentally and spiritually in life. The first three are from the end of my 13 year marriage and navigating through the storm of divorce. The last three are redefining who I am and creating a solid identity of self. All represent who I wanted to become.

About a week ago, I started stirring around ideas in my mind of a long and detailed list of all I wanted to accomplish and adjust in my life this next year. In some ways, this past year has proven to be very much a breakthrough in success and positive habits. However, I end the year feeling more pulled apart than I ever have been.

Today I had a conversation with a friend who is struggling to find reasons to keep going in life. I noticed the things I was saying to support this person were things I had said many times before, and really things that had been said to me in therapy so many times. It was a ongoing life lesson I had memorized by heart. It is something that I actually had internalized so deeply that I believed every word I spoke and could smile knowing that truth.

I broke it down as simply as possible that in our lives as humans, we are actually in control of much more than we ever realize. The choices we make are so powerful and significant to what takes place after those choices, that we stand to change everything about our life and circumstances.

But we rarely see it this way. We see limited avenues of action based on all the external things at play. We don’t open our minds to the possibilities because they seem so far fetched and unreachable.

For example, at this very moment, I could choose to put up my house for sale, move to the beach, find a random job that pays just enough for room and board, and live a completely different life. But I don’t do that for a myriad of reasons – it would change my ability to see my children and be a part of their lives, it would be starting over with finding new friends and support system, and so many other unknowns.

But just living with the knowledge that I can have complete control over something that big and life changing, makes me know I have control over smaller things too. I can choose to spend my money on take out or groceries, I can choose to exercise or veg out on the couch, I can choose to engage in conflict with my ex-husband or walk away (all hypothetical situations).

I used to be a person who felt permanently trapped in whatever emotion I was feeling, unable to move in any direction but whatever way life chose to deal with me. It felt powerless and hopeless and without meaning. As soon as I sat down and really thought of all the different lives I could lead, however easy or difficult they could be, it truly freed me to live through whatever I was facing.

So my word may seem strange this year, but maybe the words above give meaning to it. My word for 2023 is “Control.” Knowing what I have control of, what i don’t have control of, and the power for positive change that comes from that.

I want to take back control of my finances, my health, my friendships, my time. I want to push the limits of my external circumstances and find the little parts I can control to change the outcome.

If you have read this far and you feel stuck, I want you to think of what you could change if there were no limits. Sometimes just knowing you could change your life is enough to prove to yourself you have the power and ability to keep going.

New year, new word