It is late. I should be asleep.

I have always meant this blog to be a place I can release my thoughts and emotions into the world. A safe haven for the chaos that happens sometimes inside my brain. And I am reminded tonight of this.

Tomorrow I embark on a new journey, a journey I think that will be different from any I have gone on before. I will be exploring my human body and soul and my being, my spirit. I will be intentionally healing past wounds.

Sitting down to write out my goals, I realized one common theme. These were all simple enough to achieve. What I am lacking is self-discipline. And what that comes down to is also simple. Self-love.

It has been a repetitive notion in my life to love myself, and that is what feeds into my ability to pour out love to others. But somehow it always felt icky to love myself. Uncomfortable and undeserving. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t whole.

I mean, I really like who I am. I think of myself as a kind and compassionate person with big dreams of helping a world of hurting people. What is not to like?

But love? That is a whole new level.

I wrote down 14 goals and number 8 on my list was “Truly love myself.” Why was it so far down on the list? I guess that is a testament to how much I need to change and grow.

I am not sure where this post ends and where the lesson is within. I do believe there is something new happening inside of me, and it is going to make itself known very quickly in this process of healing.

In my last session with my medium (yes I see a medium), I was encouraged to listen to sounds at 417 Hz. I searched it on my Spotify that very night and behind those two words it said “clear negative energy.” I think this is my ultimate goal in this journey. To clear all the negative self-talk, to release the negative emotions, to turn 180° to a more positive perspective of myself and my world around me.

So I will leave this post undone… to be finished another day. I feel ready.