#selfcare

Slow start

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So far the six days of January have felt like the entire month of December, it has gone so slow. I woke up on January 2nd disoriented to my job, having ten days of holiday time before. I had to remember exactly what I was doing.

This year definitely feels different than all those before it. I feel much more grounded in my life purpose and goals. I feel satisfied with nearly every part of my life. I am in a wonderful committed relationship that breathes life into me every day. I am writing my first book and freeing my story from within. I really got started with my nonprofit organization that I hope to retire building and growing.

But all of that was lost on me on January 2nd. All the goal setting I did days earlier sat dormant in my new journal. I passed the minutes of the day trying to organize my jobs for the year and reach out to coworkers. I had a couple hot tub breaks just to separate the day into smaller sections I could handle.

I choose a word for every year. Last year was “Control” and this year I chose a phrase instead of one word, “Start to Finish.” I have decided procrastination is not going to be in my vocabulary this year or beyond. I will begin things with the end in mind.

Boxes stacked up by the door from Christmas were left untouched. Laundry was undone. Life just wasn’t starting when it felt like I was at the beginning of the rest of my life.

And that is okay.

It is okay sometimes to just not being feeling it. It is okay to decide to start tomorrow. Or next week. On Wednesday, I sat down and wrote down all the things I wanted to accomplish every week. And then I outlined a daily routine that included everything on my list. Now I could be sitting in the evening wondering what to do and look at my list and know what I should do at that moment.

It improved my Thursday and Friday. I am still not completely driven and I plan for that to happen next week. For now I am relaxing this weekend. I did get all the house cleaning done and the laundry started.

So if you are being hard on yourself for not jumping right in to your new year resolutions and goals. Tomorrow is another day. Next week will be there for that. And if not, it won’t matter anyway!

Slow start

Consistent Upturn

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I have been feeling it. That spark that starts small deep within and gets bigger and bigger until a strong flame emerges. I just keep feeding it with small weak kindling at first, then twigs, and finally I am throwing entire logs to keep the fire alive.

This is life now. I found happiness. I almost pause at saying that so as not to tempt God to take it away once more. It feels like this consistent upturn for me though, a mindset that is not going anywhere. And I embrace it.

It is interesting though, the timing at which this steady feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction has come into my life. I question really what I can attribute it to often. After all, I went through probably the second most traumatic loss of my life this last August. I also had to find a new job. My house was a mess. Nothing was pointing to a moment of happiness, let alone a whole season.

I believe that this is where the lesson and the truth is. Sometimes it is in the darkest of times that we can clearly see the light. We can decipher between something that is pretending to bring happiness and what truly does bring happiness. We know what direction we need to walk in.

I don’t feel like I have been in a storm and am now out of it. But perhaps that is exactly what has happened to me. When storms come and we don’t sway or falter, when our foundations are laid so strong and solid, when we are steadily growing in our good habits and our faith, we realize the storm raging outside of us isn’t getting in.

It has been stormy for months. Things are getting even more volatile with the transfer of my fiancé to a permanent facility. Yet our love and our bond, and my life’s endeavors, remain strong and safe inside.

Sometimes I open up that door just a crack and let the rain and the wind sweep in. I am reminded how warm and comforting it is inside of myself and inside of my love for others, and I go ahead and shut the door once again. It is a fleeting occurrence and nothing more.

Sometimes I feel like an imposter still. I feel like I am not qualified to weather this storm. I feel like I am not disciplined or simply just enough for all that I pile up on my plate.

My therapist suggested instead of feeling this way, I should reach out to people who know more than me so I can receive advice and answers and eliminate that fake feeling. So that is what I’ll do.

I never know how long the reprieve from depression will last. The brain has a good way of tricking you to believing you will feel whatever emotion you are having now, forever. But I do know that is never the case. Until then, I will be grateful for all the things I do have and like Blue October sang, “remain independently happy.”

Consistent Upturn

The Cost of Happiness

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Several months ago I started a new “add-on” antidepressant medication to be taken in addition to my current medication regimen. The doctor handed me a small white paper bag containing a few months worth of pills in sample packs for me to “try before I buy.”

Much to my surprise, they worked! I had a long and disappointing track record of medications not being effective for me. The new technology in pharmaceuticals really is something! My brain fog lifted, I felt more grounded, engaged, and energetic.

The next visit followed suit like the first. I reported the great results and we adjusted the dosage slightly and I walked out with my white bag of happiness. A couple months later just before Christmas break, I phoned the doctor’s office requesting a script to be called into my pharmacy as I was running low.

My pharmacy run went smoothly, $57 for my first medication, and $32 for my new one. Despite a stressful holiday season, I made it through with a little more motivation and peace.

Last week, I needed a refill of my fancy new drug. I called up the doctor, and shortly after received a call from the pharmacy. I thought it was a bit odd because usually I just get a text notification when my scripts are ready. The pharmacy tech politely said, “We have your script here, and we already applied the manufacturer’s coupon for $400 off. But the balance for one month supply is $900, and we wanted to see if you still wanted this filled?”

*Gasp* NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS for 30 pills?? How in God’s green Earth could a tiny pill cost so much? Without the coupon, that is roughly $43 per 1mg pill. That is more than I spend to feed my whole family of three in one day, at a nice restaurant nonetheless. That is like me going out to eat a filet minion every day of the year. Apparently the last time it was filled, I had met my deductible and out of pocket max.

I smiled and thanked the pharmacy tech for the call and let her know I would pass on filling the script. Flashbacks to when I found the only effective medication was not labeled for depression and the typical administration of it was intravenous infusion, costing $500 each time. Thankfully, I was able to manage to convince the doctor to order me the oral compound version for $1,943 less each month.

What I can’t understand is how we expect society to avoid constant mental illness crisis among the poverty-stricken. To obtain my medication, I am required to visit my psychiatrist every two months, by law. If I had no insurance, this is $250 for 15 minutes, or $1,500 a year. Medication is not enough though. For my therapy every week, it costs me $70, or $150 for uninsured. That is another $7,500 a year. So sure, let’s go ahead and tack on another $15,000 for medication.

This is what I need to live. I know I quip this is the cost of “happiness” but it isn’t even that. It is the cost of functioning at a job, parenting my children, keeping myself alive. I have a terminal illness called major depression, where if untreated has a fatal prognosis.

So what can I do? What can anyone do? How does it change? I do the only thing I know… I go to my doctor and ask for another white paper bag, praying the day never comes that they stop receiving samples to give.

The Cost of Happiness

Lull After the Storm

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It is severe weather season in Oklahoma where I live. Every year around this time, the daily weather report comes out and usually contains a heads-up warning of when to be weather-aware for impending storms that may produce dangerous conditions.

The days leading up to the storms are filled with anticipation, mostly from the meteorologists and storm chasers. They are amped and ready to go. Eventually, the conditions develop and the minute-to-minute coverage begins.

As the storms start to spark up to my southwest, I take the tv off of mute and watch, listening for any signs danger is heading my way. I stop scrolling Facebook and instead jump back and forth between the national Mesonet radar and news channel radars on my phone. Rarely does “the” storm come through my neighborhood. In fact, it hasn’t happened yet.

But the activity and hype certainly dominates my time. Family group text and random texts from friends are filled with check-ins and commentary on the weather reporting. All is a buzz for the few hours leading up to the storm front blowing through. Coverage lasts until the storms pass the viewing area and move on to the next news station and the next set of people who are just starting the process I am finishing up.

And then there is the lull after the storm. It is an eerie quietness – the tv is put back on mute, the texts die down almost from exhaustion, and I suddenly realize it is 11pm and I haven’t had dinner.

This happens in the course of our lives too, and I am not talking about weather. We start to see the signs of burnout, mental stress, and circumstances all pointing to the conditions needed for a potentially dangerous situation (PDS as our weathermen like to call it). Sometimes it hits us out of the blue but as we get wiser to the symptoms and we keep our eye on the radar of our lives, we can prepare that safe spot to go to and ride out the storm.

Last week was a PDS for me. Days prior, I received a new assignment for cleaning up a work project that was in addition to my 8 other projects, knowing 3 of them were needing to be finished by the end of the week. It was the final week of public accounting busy season. All the indicators of stress and mental struggle were showing in the disarray of my house and building up laundry and dishes. Friends and family were reaching out about impending crisis and wanting my input.

I weathered the storm. I shifted my energy into writing and produced five days of content that had been held inside for a long time. I stayed focus on my work tasks and gave myself grace on the housework. I kept going to therapy to offload everything that was happening. My mental health safe spot was ready and equipped with everything I needed.

You may have noticed I didn’t post anything this week. And I think there is a good reason for that. I think the lull after the storm is just as necessary as all the activity that happens when the storm is raging. We use it to pick up the pieces and process. And that is exactly what I did.

I have refocused and reorganized my work to do list. I have adjusted to the decrease in hours that will remain until the next busy season. I pulled out the trash bags and the vacuum cleaner, loaded the dishwasher and gathered the laundry. I checked my mailbox and opened my daily planner again.

I am not sure when the next round of storms is coming but I am ready. What I do know is out of every storm comes inspiration to do more and do better the next time. I truly hope I keep the motivation to fulfill those inspired thoughts. “Stay weather-aware” has taken on a whole new meaning for me now.

Lull After the Storm