#keepgoing

Slow start

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So far the six days of January have felt like the entire month of December, it has gone so slow. I woke up on January 2nd disoriented to my job, having ten days of holiday time before. I had to remember exactly what I was doing.

This year definitely feels different than all those before it. I feel much more grounded in my life purpose and goals. I feel satisfied with nearly every part of my life. I am in a wonderful committed relationship that breathes life into me every day. I am writing my first book and freeing my story from within. I really got started with my nonprofit organization that I hope to retire building and growing.

But all of that was lost on me on January 2nd. All the goal setting I did days earlier sat dormant in my new journal. I passed the minutes of the day trying to organize my jobs for the year and reach out to coworkers. I had a couple hot tub breaks just to separate the day into smaller sections I could handle.

I choose a word for every year. Last year was “Control” and this year I chose a phrase instead of one word, “Start to Finish.” I have decided procrastination is not going to be in my vocabulary this year or beyond. I will begin things with the end in mind.

Boxes stacked up by the door from Christmas were left untouched. Laundry was undone. Life just wasn’t starting when it felt like I was at the beginning of the rest of my life.

And that is okay.

It is okay sometimes to just not being feeling it. It is okay to decide to start tomorrow. Or next week. On Wednesday, I sat down and wrote down all the things I wanted to accomplish every week. And then I outlined a daily routine that included everything on my list. Now I could be sitting in the evening wondering what to do and look at my list and know what I should do at that moment.

It improved my Thursday and Friday. I am still not completely driven and I plan for that to happen next week. For now I am relaxing this weekend. I did get all the house cleaning done and the laundry started.

So if you are being hard on yourself for not jumping right in to your new year resolutions and goals. Tomorrow is another day. Next week will be there for that. And if not, it won’t matter anyway!

Slow start

Consistent Upturn

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I have been feeling it. That spark that starts small deep within and gets bigger and bigger until a strong flame emerges. I just keep feeding it with small weak kindling at first, then twigs, and finally I am throwing entire logs to keep the fire alive.

This is life now. I found happiness. I almost pause at saying that so as not to tempt God to take it away once more. It feels like this consistent upturn for me though, a mindset that is not going anywhere. And I embrace it.

It is interesting though, the timing at which this steady feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction has come into my life. I question really what I can attribute it to often. After all, I went through probably the second most traumatic loss of my life this last August. I also had to find a new job. My house was a mess. Nothing was pointing to a moment of happiness, let alone a whole season.

I believe that this is where the lesson and the truth is. Sometimes it is in the darkest of times that we can clearly see the light. We can decipher between something that is pretending to bring happiness and what truly does bring happiness. We know what direction we need to walk in.

I don’t feel like I have been in a storm and am now out of it. But perhaps that is exactly what has happened to me. When storms come and we don’t sway or falter, when our foundations are laid so strong and solid, when we are steadily growing in our good habits and our faith, we realize the storm raging outside of us isn’t getting in.

It has been stormy for months. Things are getting even more volatile with the transfer of my fiancé to a permanent facility. Yet our love and our bond, and my life’s endeavors, remain strong and safe inside.

Sometimes I open up that door just a crack and let the rain and the wind sweep in. I am reminded how warm and comforting it is inside of myself and inside of my love for others, and I go ahead and shut the door once again. It is a fleeting occurrence and nothing more.

Sometimes I feel like an imposter still. I feel like I am not qualified to weather this storm. I feel like I am not disciplined or simply just enough for all that I pile up on my plate.

My therapist suggested instead of feeling this way, I should reach out to people who know more than me so I can receive advice and answers and eliminate that fake feeling. So that is what I’ll do.

I never know how long the reprieve from depression will last. The brain has a good way of tricking you to believing you will feel whatever emotion you are having now, forever. But I do know that is never the case. Until then, I will be grateful for all the things I do have and like Blue October sang, “remain independently happy.”

Consistent Upturn

Keep Going

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A friend of mine said to me yesterday, “I may have misunderstood your blog post but does this mean you are not writing your book anymore? Please don’t stop! You have to keep going.” I thought now that I have established a few things like a separate blog Facebook page and structure of the blog, it is about time to clarify a little of what I am doing.

I definitely have not given up on the dream of becoming a published author of a memoir and possibly more books in my lifetime. I have learned an important thing about myself, that sometimes I just have to take one step back to see where my journey is actually taking me instead of pushing through what seems to be the impossible.

This blog is here to help me do that. To help me keep my writing alive and fresh and always in the forefront of my mind. There are times in life where we don’t know what to do and we choose to just do nothing and times when we face this situation by just doing something. I choose something this time!

This medium affords me the chance to speak on the things I am most passionate about, hone my writing skills, and build that audience of readers who care and are impacted by my words.

Once the words “keep going” sparked this post, I was quickly reminded of a dear friend of mine from long ago, who shared a t-shirt I could buy in memory of her father whom my family was close to for decades and died from suicide. The shirt simply said those two words, “keep going,” across the front with the ‘i’ being replaced by a semicolon or the symbol for suicide prevention. I still wear this shirt often and hold it dear.

This is the theme of my life I sincerely believe. It is marked permanently on my wrist to “Give it time,” so I never forget how temporary each emotion or thought or season of my life can be. It is what my blog name stands for (you can click on the ‘About Me’ section from the menu to see more of that). My life is a testament that as long as I don’t rob time from my life, my purpose will be realized.

So, yes friends my book will still happen in time. I don’t know what it will be exactly but it will be a piece of me. It will serve to inform, entertain, and influence change in the world. For now, I hope this blog holds the same weight and mission.

Keep Going