***Trigger warning: suicidal ideation***

Everyone says I am depressed. I go to my weekly therapy and my therapist listens to me talk ten minutes straight how life is going and then says “Sound like you are really depressed.” I send off a video message to my best girlfriends who live in different states. The reply comes back and says “I don’t know but it sounds like you are depressed right now. Go sit outside and soak up that vitamin D.”

How am I missing this? I am a self-proclaimed expert in the self awareness arena. I know depression. Very well. I think it must be that I have never in my life been depressed when a desire to sleep forever is not part of it. Yes, I am talking about suicidal thoughts. I don’t have any of them.

This surprises me a lot. Everything that I know about the disease that is called depression lends to the progressive nature of suicidal ideation. I am at the stage of this disease that a minor bout of depression invokes the full ideation gameplan.

Before I go further, I need to reiterate that I have done A LOT of therapy on this topic, and it is a solid agreement with myself, a promise, that I will not entertain any of these wild thoughts that come about due to depression. So we are all good there.

It is just I have never had every physical and emotional symptom of depression without the desire to not be alive. It almost messes with my head. It is a sneaky tactic of my enemy, depression. The alarm didn’t go off or in my stupor, I hit the snooze button instead of deploying the arsenal of coping mechanisms.

So where does it leave me now? Where do I go from here? Now that I am convinced by my trusted friends and professionals that I am depressed, what is the next step? I mean, have you ever heard of a depressed person who has a solid sense of joy? I am grateful constantly, but the emotions don’t match.

I know…. This doesn’t make much sense. I don’t understand it. I am in love. I am grieving a loss. I laugh every day. I have no motivation. I perform well at work. Sometimes I sleep all through the day. I am textbook confused.

I have decided it is okay and safe for me to just continue. To be sad and grateful. To be sleepy and productive. I will feel what I need to feel when I need to feel it.

It is okay for me to hit snooze right now. Slow down, make the problems wait just a bit longer. When I do wake up, I know I have everything I need to shake off the depression.