#breakthestigma

Letter to my boss

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The purpose of this communication is to dispel any concerns you may have of late about my performance. Believe me, I have been discouraged many times to be so open and vulnerable in a professional setting. My hope is that you hold up your end of the bargain in telling me your company sees employees as people and not machines that are replaceable at the first sign of defect.

You see, I am fighting for my very existence as we speak. Every moment of every day, I am holding onto what I can in a tsunami of depression, and at the same time trying to recall what the standards of proper financial statement presentation is. My mind is flooded with thoughts like “I just want to disappear” and “I hope my job can survive this time.”

I promise I had all the best intentions and gave my honest assessment of how strong of an employee I was when I interviewed four months ago. It is just, two months ago, I was ushered into a doctor’s office and given grave news that I am still processing. The life-saving medication I had taken every day religiously for seven years was no longer an option and I was given two weeks to sort out what my future plan of survival would be.

Ironically, health insurance companies do not operate that quickly. They want to know all else failed for six months prior to approving the best and most effective treatment. I don’t fit that category. I was doing well on an unconventional drug that is not in their list of “try this first.”

But I digress into my own woeful experience. Back to what matters, and that is how is this going to impact you. I’m stuck in trying to explain how my brain is in complete dysfunction. First, my memory is shot. I know I passed all four exams for the CPA on the first attempt, something only 5% of accountants can accomplish. But I feel like none of that or the decade of experience is accessible right now. I forget to write an email moments after discussing it. I can’t remember how to format a document after a two hour training. Second, my concentration is infantile. I struggle to even remember what I needed to say in this letter. Finally, my energy or drive or motivation, however you want to call it, is at an all time low. You know how an overweight person gasps for air after climbing one flight of stairs. This is how my brain feels after one 30 minute meeting.

So, instead of doing what society says I should do, and “faking it til you make it” or just staying positive, I am sending this letter to ask that you please let me be a human and just suck at my job for a little bit. Let me be forgetful, and unfocused, and tired. Let it not matter until the insurance approves the treatment I need.

Because I am a life and a human and i don’t know that I can do even that right now. I know I haven’t proven my worth to you yet, but just wait and I’ll show you someday it was worth it.

Sincerely,

Someone who wishes I could actually send this letter to you

Letter to my boss

Summer Vacation

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Did I jump the gun? Is it too early?

I guess I might have taken an abrupt hiatus from blogging. It wasn’t intentional, but also wasn’t aimlessly forgotten.

Today I read a post of someone who said she disappears a lot and she talked about how that was okay. I agree with her. It is okay sometimes to not have anything to share, to take in the world, to absorb what others give, and hold onto it for yourself.

I have held onto a lot in the last week or two. And really asked myself a lot of questions. May is Mental Health Awareness Month, along with several more specific “Weeks” and “Days” sprinkled throughout. In the past I would pour my heart out in FB posts and urge awareness and stigma-destruction. This year, I needed to absorb it all.

I needed to see if the world was catching on. I wanted to believe that all our speaking out really meant something. And it is hard. It is not easy to see the impact of it all in the midst of growing mental illness crisis in our communities.

I ask myself, is this blog just here for me to produce mental health awareness? Or do I talk about the trivial things too, like the fact I joined a dating challenge this week? Does either mean anything?

I don’t intend to sound negative. I know there is meaning in any attempt to connect and relate with the world around me. It is just difficult for me to talk about seemingly menial things when there is so much to be said about the things that truly matter.

So when I get done with this mental vacation, we’ll see where I land. Til next time!

**oh and also, if you want to send me potential men to date, my DM’s are open LOL #challengehomework

Summer Vacation

Time to Talk

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The thing I love about a daily blog is there are so many directions I could take this. I could speak one day about personality types and the next day about a global crisis. I could vent about dealing with the flu last week as a single co-parent or reminisce on my birth story 13 years ago. Above all, I hope that what I can bring to you, the reader, is something to think about that you might not have come across before.

Today, I think it is time to talk about perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs). Somehow through my recent activity and categorization of this blog, it was suggested for me to follow the Postpartum Support International group. I was blown away by the organization and everything it is here to do, and wondered why I hadn’t ever heard of this before especially during my experiences before and after the birth of my son.

I quickly jumped head-first into every opportunity I had to be a part of this group, which led me to applying to be a PSI Coordinator Volunteer. In a few terms, I would be someone who could refer those experiencing symptoms of perinatal mental disorders to local resources and help educate and advocate in the community regarding this prevalent experience.

Why does this all mean so much to me? Because I was one of those impacted in a significant way by the struggle of dealing with a severe illness following the birth of my first child. I am lucky to have had the guidance of my midwife, my family, doctors, and therapists to recover fully over the first year post-partum. Since that time, I have always wondered why we don’t talk about this more. The stigma and self-shame surrounding PMADs is overwhelming in America. So, it is time to talk.

So far from my training there are a few statistics that are helpful. From a large-scale (over 10,000 participants) study for the span of one year post-partum, the following was found:

  • 80% of women experience the “baby blues” as hormones regulate in the first few weeks following birth, which is not a mental disorder
  • 1 in 7 women have serious depression and/or anxiety within 3 months of birth
  • 1 in 5 women experience post-partum depression within one year of birth
  • 1 in 10 fathers experience post-partum depression, and
  • 1 in 500 women are diagnosed with post-partum psychosis

I am that 1 in 500. And I have had a hard time talking about this for a very long time. It is easy to say “I had severe post-partum after my son was born.” I always leave out the actual type of post-partum. I thought it meant because I was capable of losing reality in those circumstances, I must have a propensity for psychosis in any other circumstance. And this means I must be unfit for society in general. This is all a BIG FAT LIE. Post-partum psychosis (PPP) typically is onset within the first two weeks following childbirth and can often follow an extreme drop in hormones, particularly adrenaline. It is exacerbated by persistent sleep deprivation. And it really only occurs for birthing mothers, rather than any caregiver like any other PMAD can affect.

This is all because it is hormonally-driven, or biological in nature. In fact, the intrusive and damaging thoughts that occur during PPP also occur in other PMADs. The main difference is for other PMADs, these thoughts seem foreign and “wrong” to the affected individual, while PPP individuals in the moment of those thoughts believe them to be true and in line with their reality. Post-partum psychosis must be identified quickly and treated immediately usually with a combination of hospitalization and intensive medication treatment. One of the other unique characteristics of PPP is the psychotic thoughts/behaviors are generally waxing and waning, meaning the person could have normal thoughts and behaviors for a period of time and then have a break with reality the next moment, and back and forth.

My psychosis began the moment test results came back negative for a metabolic blood disorder for my son, after a week of intense genetic doctor visits and specialized formula and B12 shots and concern of possibly raising a very sick child. The adrenaline carrying me through that week vanished in an instant and the sleep deprivation (meaning zero sleep) of the five days before caused a major shift in my brain. I distinctly remember the second this occurred, because it felt like a rubber bouncing ball started bouncing back and forth inside my head as though my skull was vacant and filled with air. Weird, huh?

Within 24 hours, I found myself in a crisis center and then attempting to fill a prescription. Two days later, I was being evaluated and admitted into a psychiatric hospital. Over the next month, I would be discharged and readmitted to another hospital. Four months after my son was born, I was finally able to be employed in a very low-key data-entry position even though I had just graduated with my Bachelors in Accounting. Ten months after the start, I finally felt normal and began my career in Accounting with a bank audit team.

You have heard me describe my life-long battle with major depressive disorder and might wonder if one caused the other. While having MDD can increase my risk of a post-partum disorder, I to this day hold my post-partum disorder completely separate from any ongoing mental illness. What medical professionals are certain of is that PMADs are 100% temporary illnesses, for the fact they are caused by sensitivity to hormonal/biological changes (along with psychosocial and concurrent stressors).

I will leave you with these three things, which is the motto of PSI:

  • You are not alone – the statistics above show how common this occurs for any person during or after pregnancy, loss, adoption, or fertility treatments (including non-birthing individuals)
  • You are not to blame – having a PMAD does not in any way relate to your ability as a parent or caregiver to your child, post partum is the cause for difficulty in connecting with a child rather than the other way around
  • With help, you will be well – the more we talk about this, destroy the stigma and shame surrounding it, and provide resources for help, the faster people will recover from this; this is temporary

Thank you for taking time to read about something you might not have expected to read about, and please talk more if you or someone you know has experienced post-partum mental illness.

Time to Talk