#balance

Slow start

fourdaystil, , , , , Leave a comment

So far the six days of January have felt like the entire month of December, it has gone so slow. I woke up on January 2nd disoriented to my job, having ten days of holiday time before. I had to remember exactly what I was doing.

This year definitely feels different than all those before it. I feel much more grounded in my life purpose and goals. I feel satisfied with nearly every part of my life. I am in a wonderful committed relationship that breathes life into me every day. I am writing my first book and freeing my story from within. I really got started with my nonprofit organization that I hope to retire building and growing.

But all of that was lost on me on January 2nd. All the goal setting I did days earlier sat dormant in my new journal. I passed the minutes of the day trying to organize my jobs for the year and reach out to coworkers. I had a couple hot tub breaks just to separate the day into smaller sections I could handle.

I choose a word for every year. Last year was “Control” and this year I chose a phrase instead of one word, “Start to Finish.” I have decided procrastination is not going to be in my vocabulary this year or beyond. I will begin things with the end in mind.

Boxes stacked up by the door from Christmas were left untouched. Laundry was undone. Life just wasn’t starting when it felt like I was at the beginning of the rest of my life.

And that is okay.

It is okay sometimes to just not being feeling it. It is okay to decide to start tomorrow. Or next week. On Wednesday, I sat down and wrote down all the things I wanted to accomplish every week. And then I outlined a daily routine that included everything on my list. Now I could be sitting in the evening wondering what to do and look at my list and know what I should do at that moment.

It improved my Thursday and Friday. I am still not completely driven and I plan for that to happen next week. For now I am relaxing this weekend. I did get all the house cleaning done and the laundry started.

So if you are being hard on yourself for not jumping right in to your new year resolutions and goals. Tomorrow is another day. Next week will be there for that. And if not, it won’t matter anyway!

Slow start

Consistent Upturn

fourdaystil, , , , , , Leave a comment

I have been feeling it. That spark that starts small deep within and gets bigger and bigger until a strong flame emerges. I just keep feeding it with small weak kindling at first, then twigs, and finally I am throwing entire logs to keep the fire alive.

This is life now. I found happiness. I almost pause at saying that so as not to tempt God to take it away once more. It feels like this consistent upturn for me though, a mindset that is not going anywhere. And I embrace it.

It is interesting though, the timing at which this steady feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction has come into my life. I question really what I can attribute it to often. After all, I went through probably the second most traumatic loss of my life this last August. I also had to find a new job. My house was a mess. Nothing was pointing to a moment of happiness, let alone a whole season.

I believe that this is where the lesson and the truth is. Sometimes it is in the darkest of times that we can clearly see the light. We can decipher between something that is pretending to bring happiness and what truly does bring happiness. We know what direction we need to walk in.

I don’t feel like I have been in a storm and am now out of it. But perhaps that is exactly what has happened to me. When storms come and we don’t sway or falter, when our foundations are laid so strong and solid, when we are steadily growing in our good habits and our faith, we realize the storm raging outside of us isn’t getting in.

It has been stormy for months. Things are getting even more volatile with the transfer of my fiancé to a permanent facility. Yet our love and our bond, and my life’s endeavors, remain strong and safe inside.

Sometimes I open up that door just a crack and let the rain and the wind sweep in. I am reminded how warm and comforting it is inside of myself and inside of my love for others, and I go ahead and shut the door once again. It is a fleeting occurrence and nothing more.

Sometimes I feel like an imposter still. I feel like I am not qualified to weather this storm. I feel like I am not disciplined or simply just enough for all that I pile up on my plate.

My therapist suggested instead of feeling this way, I should reach out to people who know more than me so I can receive advice and answers and eliminate that fake feeling. So that is what I’ll do.

I never know how long the reprieve from depression will last. The brain has a good way of tricking you to believing you will feel whatever emotion you are having now, forever. But I do know that is never the case. Until then, I will be grateful for all the things I do have and like Blue October sang, “remain independently happy.”

Consistent Upturn

A Different Pace

fourdaystil, , , , Leave a comment

Yesterday began much slower than the first day and it made a huge difference. I got up early and went to get some gas (up about .20/gallon since we arrived here a couple days ago), went to the hotel to get our Express passes and what would be our hotel keys once our room opened, and dropped by a Publix grocery store to pick up some snacks and lunch items for the condo. I took a more scenic route back due to a huge backup on the interstate.

Arriving back to the condo around 10:30, we packed up nearly everything (I forgot my main money pouch with envelopes for today and my medicine, but both are okay to be away from for a day. I am going to stop by the ATM at the hotel to grab some extra cash). The kids enjoyed a bowl of cereal while I packed up. I am very happy with my system of bringing a smaller suitcase for our one night stay in the hotel so as not to take everything with us. We will finish our time back at the condo. Ready around 11:15, we made our way to the hotel parking and the water taxi to CityWalk and the parks.

Hopping on the water taxi wands in hand

We took things at a comfortable pace, refilling our cup with ice water many times along the way. We hit up Seuss Landing and all the low key rides there.

Waiting for one-fish two-fish ride

We headed over to Flight of the Hippogriff, a real rollercoaster more Ada’s speed, to ride for our second time and made it on the ride in about ten minutes with our Express Passes. The wait at Forbidden Journey was over 2 hours and I knew Express Pass doesn’t cut that down too much so we bypassed that for another day. Stopped for a quick fruit, Nutella, and goldfish snack break.

Made our way to Hogsmeade Station and took the Hogwart’s Express train over to the other park. Parks were extremely busy so navigating through crowds was a bit stressful. Got into Gringott’s ride and through in about 20 minutes. Ada said it was just as exciting as the first time. While in line we got our text that our room was ready early!

They really love each other; waiting in line

From our slow relaxed pace and the 25 minute wait at the water taxi, we arrived in our room a little after 4pm. I went and got our bags from the car and took a much desired shower. Changed into swimsuits, and headed down for early dinner and swim time.

My first adult drink of the trip!
Some great poolside food
Noah and Ada made a friend from Texas

After an hour of swimming it looked as though storm clouds were moving in. Without that, it may have been impossible to get Ada to leave the huge pool! We went back to our room, the kids took showers and we settled in. We had a great view of the park from our 7th floor room.

Happy for the quiet water canal view

Though my kids love each other and get along well, they are very different from each other. Ada is always on the go and wants more and more activity. Noah on the other hand is laid back and prefers relaxation over a lot of activity. Accommodating both is sometimes a challenge but also a great opportunity to guide both of them in the important lesson of balance. Today I leaned more towards Noah’s mode and we opted not to return to the parks after swimming. Instead we enjoyed a gorgeous sunset.

We watched Dr Strange and we’re surprised by the start of the light show in the park.

Around 8:30pm, everyone was getting hungry so I splurged and we got room service. The kids loved it and felt special.

Lights out at 10pm and plans for a early and long day today. I woke up today at 3:30 and finally headed out of the room so I wasn’t in the dark and the kids were able to sleep uninterrupted. Enjoying a quiet hotel patio!

Planning for a great day!

A Different Pace