Mental Health

Do you think about death?

fourdaystilLeave a comment

I do. A LOT.

In fact, death has been a constant mind wandering topic of mine most of my life. I could almost say my life has centered around death and dying since I encountered the loss of my brother at 12 years old.

At first, it was grief and trying to grasp why we must go through tragedy of losing people in our lives. I held onto this theme for decades, with it often turning its ugly face on me – illness trying to convince me my own death was the answer.

From there, through trauma, tragedy, and treatment, I have somehow found my way through the darkness and found the life fulfillment I thought didn’t exist. Yet, death still regularly shows up at my door, but looks so different these days. Death has transformed.

Now I think of my finite existence here in this universe and the unknown day and time I will cease to be. What follows is a strong desire to control the aftermath. This is two-fold. One, I want to tell the story. I want to inspire and leave a mark in the celebration/mourning of my time on this earth and my departure. I feel there is no one better to express what it was to be who I was.

Second, I want to take care of those I leave behind. I want them to know what it was for me to grow up in a world where happiness was hard fought, and in the end so simple. I want them to hear the music that encompasses what life is all about. I want to have the pictures put together so no one has to spend the time compiling them. I don’t want to make someone sit down and try to find the right words in a eulogy.

But this is not something you casually bring up amongst a gathering of family or friends. People think it is too morbid, too soon, too dark. Also, people know the subject of suicide has not been rare in my life. I think it is too real. It is real that at any point today or ten years from now, I can die. What I hope you don’t take from this is that I believe I will find my end by my own hands. I am too healed and happy to venture there again (if I have anything to do with it!).

I just finished a therapy discussion on this topic and my therapist being the wise person he is, chose to reframe this need to control and plan this specific thing. He said, “You are not focused on death, inasmuch you are focused on defining and ensuring your life had meaning and purpose.” And I felt that. What those who know me may not quite see the inner workings of my life’s meaning beyond what I mean to them. There is so much more that needs to be said!

So, yes. I am going to start planning what happens after my end on this earth. And I hope if you love and care for me, you will embrace and honor it. and I hope I have many, many more years to update and build on it.

Do you think about death?

A Bad Dream

fourdaystilLeave a comment

I woke up just minutes ago from a bad dream, what some call nightmares. I could go into detail and entertain everyone, but it made me realize something huge. And this is what I want to share right now.

For 29 years, I lived in a bad dream. In fact, it was so bad I wasn’t quite sure if my life was a dream and my dreams were my life. Depression for me wasn’t ever about circumstances. In fact, I would get angry any time someone tried to blame it on that. And it never went away. Like ever. Even when I had my “happy periods” in life, I was drowning inside.

For me depression was about not being who I wanted to be, and being trapped being who I had to be instead. And it was persistent and never-ending. It is a chicken and egg story of my recent recovery from depression. Did I change up my entire life to what I wanted it to be and become truly happy? Or did my depression leave me due to a brand new type of treatment, allowing me to be happy and change the things in my life that needed changing? I want to believe it is the latter, but I suppose I will never know nor do I care what the actual answer is.

I always dreamed of finding the cure for persistent depressive disorder, and sharing it with the world. It is regrettable that I have to say there is really no secret formula. I know TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) treatments will not work for everyone and will not be paid by everyone’s insurance. I know some won’t be able to take off of work for an hour every single day for six weeks to get the treatment. And for those who can, I know it is not guaranteed to wipe away all depressive thoughts the way it did for me.

I truly wish I had a secret formula.

Here is what I know. Since I decided to address my 3 decade long depression with these treatments, I have encountered some of the most stressful things a person could experience short of a death of a loved one. I bought and sold a house by myself with no co-signer, at a time I had reduced my hours by 25% (and my pay by 40%). I paid off my 2018 Hyundai Kona, reduced my insurance to liability to save some money for the time being, then drove it through flash flood waters and in one fell swoop, ruined my engine with no insurance money to speak of and a new car payment and insurance double what I was paying before. Not only this, my brand new car leaked out all fluid in the first 24 hours and was rendered useless, requiring a two week repair and replacement of seals not assembled correctly at the factory. A week later, my 11 year old daughter complains of stomach pain and we end up in the ER having surgery to remove her appendix.

I don’t say all this to word vomit my life woes. It is to show you that my depression was never about circumstances. Like EVER. I could have everything going for me, and even then, I would still be depressed. Because despite all that has happened over the last six months, I am truly 100% happy to my core.

So what can I offer those of you reading this and in the throes of severe depression? The only thing I know that meant the difference between me writing this blog today and succumbing to the disease, is I never stopped looking for what would work for me. And when I had TMS treatments, my thoughts became void of all negative thoughts. And believe me, I KNOW this doesn’t offer much hope at all to someone who has been struggling for a long time or someone who is experiencing severe depression.

So now I can wake from a bad dream and know it was just a dream. It reminds me that the struggle I went through can feel like a blip in time compared to the happiness I feel today.

A Bad Dream

All or Nothing

fourdaystilLeave a comment

It has been some time since I have poured out my thoughts as they flood my mind. In fact, you may have noticed my site go down for the last few months.

I will not say too much about the reason why, other than to say I have removed several very vulnerable posts because this world is not kind or fair and sometimes can be unreasonable.

In the void that was my absence, much occurred and much has changed. I survived once more a devastating depressive episode and took a two-month break from normal life. I started, then paused, then restarted a Masters of Counseling Psychology program. I found a company to work for that actually sees the human side of me. And I put my house up for sale in order to be closer to my children’s school district.

One quote I read during my time healing from the depression monster was, “Suicidal ideations are a sign that something needs to change, not that life needs to end.” I took this to heart and began to evaluate my life and what exactly am I being shown needs to change.

I do sincerely apologize to my readers that I may leave parts of my life out of this blog, as that has never been my intention or desire. But I still want to make a difference and I feel comfortable doing that under limitations. There is only “public” or “private” settings to choose from, so either both my supporters and my enemies will see it all or both will not see anything.

I guess I am not sure why I feel the need to explain this. I certainly don’t feel like an explanation is owed. However, I suppose I want people to know this isn’t it, this isn’t all of me. And for that I am saddened.

I’ll leave this post by saying, I am healthy. And I am grateful for that. I am giving life my all, because anything less would amount to nothing.

All or Nothing

Letter to my boss

fourdaystil, , , , , , , Leave a comment

The purpose of this communication is to dispel any concerns you may have of late about my performance. Believe me, I have been discouraged many times to be so open and vulnerable in a professional setting. My hope is that you hold up your end of the bargain in telling me your company sees employees as people and not machines that are replaceable at the first sign of defect.

You see, I am fighting for my very existence as we speak. Every moment of every day, I am holding onto what I can in a tsunami of depression, and at the same time trying to recall what the standards of proper financial statement presentation is. My mind is flooded with thoughts like “I just want to disappear” and “I hope my job can survive this time.”

I promise I had all the best intentions and gave my honest assessment of how strong of an employee I was when I interviewed four months ago. It is just, two months ago, I was ushered into a doctor’s office and given grave news that I am still processing. The life-saving medication I had taken every day religiously for seven years was no longer an option and I was given two weeks to sort out what my future plan of survival would be.

Ironically, health insurance companies do not operate that quickly. They want to know all else failed for six months prior to approving the best and most effective treatment. I don’t fit that category. I was doing well on an unconventional drug that is not in their list of “try this first.”

But I digress into my own woeful experience. Back to what matters, and that is how is this going to impact you. I’m stuck in trying to explain how my brain is in complete dysfunction. First, my memory is shot. I know I passed all four exams for the CPA on the first attempt, something only 5% of accountants can accomplish. But I feel like none of that or the decade of experience is accessible right now. I forget to write an email moments after discussing it. I can’t remember how to format a document after a two hour training. Second, my concentration is infantile. I struggle to even remember what I needed to say in this letter. Finally, my energy or drive or motivation, however you want to call it, is at an all time low. You know how an overweight person gasps for air after climbing one flight of stairs. This is how my brain feels after one 30 minute meeting.

So, instead of doing what society says I should do, and “faking it til you make it” or just staying positive, I am sending this letter to ask that you please let me be a human and just suck at my job for a little bit. Let me be forgetful, and unfocused, and tired. Let it not matter until the insurance approves the treatment I need.

Because I am a life and a human and i don’t know that I can do even that right now. I know I haven’t proven my worth to you yet, but just wait and I’ll show you someday it was worth it.

Sincerely,

Someone who wishes I could actually send this letter to you

Letter to my boss

417 Hertz

fourdaystil, , Leave a comment

It is late. I should be asleep.

I have always meant this blog to be a place I can release my thoughts and emotions into the world. A safe haven for the chaos that happens sometimes inside my brain. And I am reminded tonight of this.

Tomorrow I embark on a new journey, a journey I think that will be different from any I have gone on before. I will be exploring my human body and soul and my being, my spirit. I will be intentionally healing past wounds.

Sitting down to write out my goals, I realized one common theme. These were all simple enough to achieve. What I am lacking is self-discipline. And what that comes down to is also simple. Self-love.

It has been a repetitive notion in my life to love myself, and that is what feeds into my ability to pour out love to others. But somehow it always felt icky to love myself. Uncomfortable and undeserving. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t whole.

I mean, I really like who I am. I think of myself as a kind and compassionate person with big dreams of helping a world of hurting people. What is not to like?

But love? That is a whole new level.

I wrote down 14 goals and number 8 on my list was “Truly love myself.” Why was it so far down on the list? I guess that is a testament to how much I need to change and grow.

I am not sure where this post ends and where the lesson is within. I do believe there is something new happening inside of me, and it is going to make itself known very quickly in this process of healing.

In my last session with my medium (yes I see a medium), I was encouraged to listen to sounds at 417 Hz. I searched it on my Spotify that very night and behind those two words it said “clear negative energy.” I think this is my ultimate goal in this journey. To clear all the negative self-talk, to release the negative emotions, to turn 180° to a more positive perspective of myself and my world around me.

So I will leave this post undone… to be finished another day. I feel ready.

417 Hertz

Intentions

fourdaystil, , , , 2 Comments

I just drove home from a three day growth conference in San Antonio yesterday. The drive home felt like it flew by because of all the things buzzing in my head. So many incredible thought leaders speaking had so many incredible practices to put in place once I returned to normal life.

One that resonated so deeply was that of setting intentions early in the morning right after waking up. It involved deep breathing and meditation on the things you wanted to accomplish that day. It isn’t just that but I have simplified it here.

This morning I woke easily without an alarm, drank a whole water bottle down, got comfy in my big leather chair with a journal not even cracked open once with the label “my breakthrough year” on the leather cover. I cleared my mind through breathing, returning to my center.

I imagined and visualized my house completely clean and clutter free, felt how peaceful and calm it would make me, smelled the smells of the candle I would light while cleaning, embodied the gratitude for a spotless environment. Then I did my journal work with affirmations. They came more freely than I expected they would.

I got out a new notebook, marked the date, and wrote out a long LONG list of all the areas of my house and things to clean. And I started. I didn’t schedule my day out. I took breaks for a salad lunch and some rewarding hot tub time. By 7pm, my entire list was checked off.

I spent the rest of my evening reading “The Master of Surrender” by Kute Blackson and catching up on social media and texts.

And I felt all the gratitude, smelled deeply the Vanilla Cashmere candle I had lit, and had peace. Just as I had experienced in the morning.

It wasn’t hard. It wasn’t a struggle. It just was intentional.

And I never want to spend another day differently.

Intentions

Slow start

fourdaystil, , , , , Leave a comment

So far the six days of January have felt like the entire month of December, it has gone so slow. I woke up on January 2nd disoriented to my job, having ten days of holiday time before. I had to remember exactly what I was doing.

This year definitely feels different than all those before it. I feel much more grounded in my life purpose and goals. I feel satisfied with nearly every part of my life. I am in a wonderful committed relationship that breathes life into me every day. I am writing my first book and freeing my story from within. I really got started with my nonprofit organization that I hope to retire building and growing.

But all of that was lost on me on January 2nd. All the goal setting I did days earlier sat dormant in my new journal. I passed the minutes of the day trying to organize my jobs for the year and reach out to coworkers. I had a couple hot tub breaks just to separate the day into smaller sections I could handle.

I choose a word for every year. Last year was “Control” and this year I chose a phrase instead of one word, “Start to Finish.” I have decided procrastination is not going to be in my vocabulary this year or beyond. I will begin things with the end in mind.

Boxes stacked up by the door from Christmas were left untouched. Laundry was undone. Life just wasn’t starting when it felt like I was at the beginning of the rest of my life.

And that is okay.

It is okay sometimes to just not being feeling it. It is okay to decide to start tomorrow. Or next week. On Wednesday, I sat down and wrote down all the things I wanted to accomplish every week. And then I outlined a daily routine that included everything on my list. Now I could be sitting in the evening wondering what to do and look at my list and know what I should do at that moment.

It improved my Thursday and Friday. I am still not completely driven and I plan for that to happen next week. For now I am relaxing this weekend. I did get all the house cleaning done and the laundry started.

So if you are being hard on yourself for not jumping right in to your new year resolutions and goals. Tomorrow is another day. Next week will be there for that. And if not, it won’t matter anyway!

Slow start

Consistent Upturn

fourdaystil, , , , , , Leave a comment

I have been feeling it. That spark that starts small deep within and gets bigger and bigger until a strong flame emerges. I just keep feeding it with small weak kindling at first, then twigs, and finally I am throwing entire logs to keep the fire alive.

This is life now. I found happiness. I almost pause at saying that so as not to tempt God to take it away once more. It feels like this consistent upturn for me though, a mindset that is not going anywhere. And I embrace it.

It is interesting though, the timing at which this steady feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction has come into my life. I question really what I can attribute it to often. After all, I went through probably the second most traumatic loss of my life this last August. I also had to find a new job. My house was a mess. Nothing was pointing to a moment of happiness, let alone a whole season.

I believe that this is where the lesson and the truth is. Sometimes it is in the darkest of times that we can clearly see the light. We can decipher between something that is pretending to bring happiness and what truly does bring happiness. We know what direction we need to walk in.

I don’t feel like I have been in a storm and am now out of it. But perhaps that is exactly what has happened to me. When storms come and we don’t sway or falter, when our foundations are laid so strong and solid, when we are steadily growing in our good habits and our faith, we realize the storm raging outside of us isn’t getting in.

It has been stormy for months. Things are getting even more volatile with the transfer of my fiancé to a permanent facility. Yet our love and our bond, and my life’s endeavors, remain strong and safe inside.

Sometimes I open up that door just a crack and let the rain and the wind sweep in. I am reminded how warm and comforting it is inside of myself and inside of my love for others, and I go ahead and shut the door once again. It is a fleeting occurrence and nothing more.

Sometimes I feel like an imposter still. I feel like I am not qualified to weather this storm. I feel like I am not disciplined or simply just enough for all that I pile up on my plate.

My therapist suggested instead of feeling this way, I should reach out to people who know more than me so I can receive advice and answers and eliminate that fake feeling. So that is what I’ll do.

I never know how long the reprieve from depression will last. The brain has a good way of tricking you to believing you will feel whatever emotion you are having now, forever. But I do know that is never the case. Until then, I will be grateful for all the things I do have and like Blue October sang, “remain independently happy.”

Consistent Upturn

Extreme Fortune Telling

fourdaystil, , Leave a comment

I have taken quite a pause in my writing lately. Sometimes I worry this cyclical activity followed by utter inactivity might render my influence null and void. But I press on, because I really am doing this for my personal manifestation of my life purpose, and not what the world’s response to that action.

I was in therapy the other day discussing the pros and cons of having a prison wedding, when my therapist sat up a little straighter and hesitated. I took notice of this because he doesn’t typically hesitate ever when in conversation with me. We have become cool like that over the last decade of weekly sessions.

He fumbled over his words trying to explain that he didn’t know how to say something, but he felt as though I was certainly capable of thinking about life and future with….

I finished his thought, “catastrophic fortune telling?” He laughed quietly and responded, “I was going to say flights of fantasy, but yes that too.” It is one or the other. My mind operates as though I am some extremely dramatic fortune teller. Death and doom, or luck and love! It will all work out perfect, or it is going to be the worst possible outcome.

This is why I can’t call myself an optimist. Or a pessimist. But I am definitely not a realist. Well, am I?

I take life as it comes and often don’t think there is anything that can realistically happen to improve it. When I am not depressed (which is less often than most), I have this amazing capacity for hope. Tack on the surreal experience of depersonalization/dissociation, and there you have it. A hopeful, apathetic dreamer.

Recognizing this in yourself really brings about a lot of deep thinking. Is it really such a bad thing? I am not really a worrier because I have hope for the best case scenario. I am not a manic lunatic because I assume the tragedy is what is likely to occur. Maybe I am closer to being a realist, when everything averages out.

So let’s take a step back and stop this never ending monologue of introspection. A lot is changing in my life right now. I spent a good two weeks letting myself decompress meaning I slept all the time and didn’t take my eight different medicines to keep me sane and uninflamed. This was followed by two weeks hating myself for missing my medicine, being chronically exhausted with incredible joint pain.

In the midst of all this, I managed to function and successfully interview and accept an offer of employment with a new company. I am really very excited about this new opportunity in my life, and feel the leadership of the company are real people with very personable approaches to the work environment.

So, I got back on the wagon, took my meds religiously, and started feeling better. But not tip top, resulting in my rheumatologist changing my treatment to biologics, which are injections of very expensive meds that will wipe out my immune system. Yay me! I never quite understood this whole kill the immune system to deal with autoimmune disorders cure.

So, I am finishing up my current job, taking a second vacation to the beach (part two will be much better!), and starting fresh the week after Thanksgiving with my new job. Hoping and believing the best will come from the med change and job change and life choice change…. And staring at the possibilities of failure too.

I think I am swinging on the pendulum of life and it is ever so gently slowing down to where I am supposed to be. We’re pretty dang close! Or maybe that is a flight of fantasy!

Extreme Fortune Telling

Hit the Snooze button

fourdaystil, , , , , , Leave a comment

***Trigger warning: suicidal ideation***

Everyone says I am depressed. I go to my weekly therapy and my therapist listens to me talk ten minutes straight how life is going and then says “Sound like you are really depressed.” I send off a video message to my best girlfriends who live in different states. The reply comes back and says “I don’t know but it sounds like you are depressed right now. Go sit outside and soak up that vitamin D.”

How am I missing this? I am a self-proclaimed expert in the self awareness arena. I know depression. Very well. I think it must be that I have never in my life been depressed when a desire to sleep forever is not part of it. Yes, I am talking about suicidal thoughts. I don’t have any of them.

This surprises me a lot. Everything that I know about the disease that is called depression lends to the progressive nature of suicidal ideation. I am at the stage of this disease that a minor bout of depression invokes the full ideation gameplan.

Before I go further, I need to reiterate that I have done A LOT of therapy on this topic, and it is a solid agreement with myself, a promise, that I will not entertain any of these wild thoughts that come about due to depression. So we are all good there.

It is just I have never had every physical and emotional symptom of depression without the desire to not be alive. It almost messes with my head. It is a sneaky tactic of my enemy, depression. The alarm didn’t go off or in my stupor, I hit the snooze button instead of deploying the arsenal of coping mechanisms.

So where does it leave me now? Where do I go from here? Now that I am convinced by my trusted friends and professionals that I am depressed, what is the next step? I mean, have you ever heard of a depressed person who has a solid sense of joy? I am grateful constantly, but the emotions don’t match.

I know…. This doesn’t make much sense. I don’t understand it. I am in love. I am grieving a loss. I laugh every day. I have no motivation. I perform well at work. Sometimes I sleep all through the day. I am textbook confused.

I have decided it is okay and safe for me to just continue. To be sad and grateful. To be sleepy and productive. I will feel what I need to feel when I need to feel it.

It is okay for me to hit snooze right now. Slow down, make the problems wait just a bit longer. When I do wake up, I know I have everything I need to shake off the depression.

Hit the Snooze button