I do. A LOT.

In fact, death has been a constant mind wandering topic of mine most of my life. I could almost say my life has centered around death and dying since I encountered the loss of my brother at 12 years old.

At first, it was grief and trying to grasp why we must go through tragedy of losing people in our lives. I held onto this theme for decades, with it often turning its ugly face on me – illness trying to convince me my own death was the answer.

From there, through trauma, tragedy, and treatment, I have somehow found my way through the darkness and found the life fulfillment I thought didn’t exist. Yet, death still regularly shows up at my door, but looks so different these days. Death has transformed.

Now I think of my finite existence here in this universe and the unknown day and time I will cease to be. What follows is a strong desire to control the aftermath. This is two-fold. One, I want to tell the story. I want to inspire and leave a mark in the celebration/mourning of my time on this earth and my departure. I feel there is no one better to express what it was to be who I was.

Second, I want to take care of those I leave behind. I want them to know what it was for me to grow up in a world where happiness was hard fought, and in the end so simple. I want them to hear the music that encompasses what life is all about. I want to have the pictures put together so no one has to spend the time compiling them. I don’t want to make someone sit down and try to find the right words in a eulogy.

But this is not something you casually bring up amongst a gathering of family or friends. People think it is too morbid, too soon, too dark. Also, people know the subject of suicide has not been rare in my life. I think it is too real. It is real that at any point today or ten years from now, I can die. What I hope you don’t take from this is that I believe I will find my end by my own hands. I am too healed and happy to venture there again (if I have anything to do with it!).

I just finished a therapy discussion on this topic and my therapist being the wise person he is, chose to reframe this need to control and plan this specific thing. He said, “You are not focused on death, inasmuch you are focused on defining and ensuring your life had meaning and purpose.” And I felt that. What those who know me may not quite see the inner workings of my life’s meaning beyond what I mean to them. There is so much more that needs to be said!

So, yes. I am going to start planning what happens after my end on this earth. And I hope if you love and care for me, you will embrace and honor it. and I hope I have many, many more years to update and build on it.