I woke up just minutes ago from a bad dream, what some call nightmares. I could go into detail and entertain everyone, but it made me realize something huge. And this is what I want to share right now.

For 29 years, I lived in a bad dream. In fact, it was so bad I wasn’t quite sure if my life was a dream and my dreams were my life. Depression for me wasn’t ever about circumstances. In fact, I would get angry any time someone tried to blame it on that. And it never went away. Like ever. Even when I had my “happy periods” in life, I was drowning inside.

For me depression was about not being who I wanted to be, and being trapped being who I had to be instead. And it was persistent and never-ending. It is a chicken and egg story of my recent recovery from depression. Did I change up my entire life to what I wanted it to be and become truly happy? Or did my depression leave me due to a brand new type of treatment, allowing me to be happy and change the things in my life that needed changing? I want to believe it is the latter, but I suppose I will never know nor do I care what the actual answer is.

I always dreamed of finding the cure for persistent depressive disorder, and sharing it with the world. It is regrettable that I have to say there is really no secret formula. I know TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) treatments will not work for everyone and will not be paid by everyone’s insurance. I know some won’t be able to take off of work for an hour every single day for six weeks to get the treatment. And for those who can, I know it is not guaranteed to wipe away all depressive thoughts the way it did for me.

I truly wish I had a secret formula.

Here is what I know. Since I decided to address my 3 decade long depression with these treatments, I have encountered some of the most stressful things a person could experience short of a death of a loved one. I bought and sold a house by myself with no co-signer, at a time I had reduced my hours by 25% (and my pay by 40%). I paid off my 2018 Hyundai Kona, reduced my insurance to liability to save some money for the time being, then drove it through flash flood waters and in one fell swoop, ruined my engine with no insurance money to speak of and a new car payment and insurance double what I was paying before. Not only this, my brand new car leaked out all fluid in the first 24 hours and was rendered useless, requiring a two week repair and replacement of seals not assembled correctly at the factory. A week later, my 11 year old daughter complains of stomach pain and we end up in the ER having surgery to remove her appendix.

I don’t say all this to word vomit my life woes. It is to show you that my depression was never about circumstances. Like EVER. I could have everything going for me, and even then, I would still be depressed. Because despite all that has happened over the last six months, I am truly 100% happy to my core.

So what can I offer those of you reading this and in the throes of severe depression? The only thing I know that meant the difference between me writing this blog today and succumbing to the disease, is I never stopped looking for what would work for me. And when I had TMS treatments, my thoughts became void of all negative thoughts. And believe me, I KNOW this doesn’t offer much hope at all to someone who has been struggling for a long time or someone who is experiencing severe depression.

So now I can wake from a bad dream and know it was just a dream. It reminds me that the struggle I went through can feel like a blip in time compared to the happiness I feel today.