Have you ever found yourself walking up to a circle of people talking and space is not made for you? So you are standing there facing the backs of others, hearing conversations you are not included in and wondering whether to awkwardly turn and walk away, or awkwardly interject on a conversation not meant for you?

I feel like I have been doing this a lot lately, and in more than just the scenario I brought up. It may just be my insecurities or overthinking. I was invited afterall, I was greeted warmly with hugs and smiles, but I never feel like I am totally in.

It is little hints here and there—whispers about an after party no one mentions to me, being asked to join a second photo after the one they wanted was already taken so i don’t feel left out, the ease at which everyone laughs and tells stories and talks the entire night. Groups I am welcome in, but not a part of entirely.

In the past, I would ruminate on this for hours and days and feel totally isolated from the world, even those I would call close friends. Now, I have healed enough that I am fine either way. I just don’t know if it will ever truly happen for me where I am one of the group, in the group text, the first to be invited, knowing all the inside jokes.

This is where I hope to be someday. And it is okay if I am not. I’m still there and I know people still love me. I just want to be looking out and not in.