Tonight I got home from spending a couple hours at my sister’s house, and immediately got in the hot tub. None of the jets were running and I decided against turning on my music, which lately has been dark and drum-rich.

I laid back into the steaming water and just took in the quiet of it all. The next few days, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, will be filled for many with so much noise and busyness. Mine will be the opposite.

Now, in my king size bed, by myself with a curled up cat by my side, I hear nothing but the white noise of the fan that is eternally running. I think about this year I have had.

This year has been one for the books, a hard fought year with little motivation. Three hospitalizations, two jobs (one of which I took a two month break and reduced my hours when I returned), start of a Master’s program, more medication changes than I care to count.

I used to chase the noise of the world, to see if maybe someday I just might fit into the laughs and joy and friendship and activity of it all. Today, I just sit with the silence and know that this world is not made to fit in.

A depressed person is sad about a lot of things. Being alone used to be one of those things for me. And i can’t say i have evolved or grown in any way. I have just acclimated to the reality.

I live for the people who love me. And that is enough. More than enough. In fact, it is a very powerful reason, I was reminded by my therapist this week.

I am working on reframing my thoughts. Redefining the meaning of the emotions I feel. Moving toward neutral. That seems to be a strange goal, but sometimes the goal has to be something in our reach.

I am not looking to inspire, or to wow the world around me. I’m okay that my thoughts, which are so much more than I write, are my only company. They are like the fan I never turn off.

This year was an insurmountable one. (Reframe – I’m glad I don’t have to do this year ever again.)

If all you do today is get through today, be proud of yourself.