Month: January 2024

417 Hertz

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It is late. I should be asleep.

I have always meant this blog to be a place I can release my thoughts and emotions into the world. A safe haven for the chaos that happens sometimes inside my brain. And I am reminded tonight of this.

Tomorrow I embark on a new journey, a journey I think that will be different from any I have gone on before. I will be exploring my human body and soul and my being, my spirit. I will be intentionally healing past wounds.

Sitting down to write out my goals, I realized one common theme. These were all simple enough to achieve. What I am lacking is self-discipline. And what that comes down to is also simple. Self-love.

It has been a repetitive notion in my life to love myself, and that is what feeds into my ability to pour out love to others. But somehow it always felt icky to love myself. Uncomfortable and undeserving. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t whole.

I mean, I really like who I am. I think of myself as a kind and compassionate person with big dreams of helping a world of hurting people. What is not to like?

But love? That is a whole new level.

I wrote down 14 goals and number 8 on my list was “Truly love myself.” Why was it so far down on the list? I guess that is a testament to how much I need to change and grow.

I am not sure where this post ends and where the lesson is within. I do believe there is something new happening inside of me, and it is going to make itself known very quickly in this process of healing.

In my last session with my medium (yes I see a medium), I was encouraged to listen to sounds at 417 Hz. I searched it on my Spotify that very night and behind those two words it said “clear negative energy.” I think this is my ultimate goal in this journey. To clear all the negative self-talk, to release the negative emotions, to turn 180° to a more positive perspective of myself and my world around me.

So I will leave this post undone… to be finished another day. I feel ready.

417 Hertz

Intentions

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I just drove home from a three day growth conference in San Antonio yesterday. The drive home felt like it flew by because of all the things buzzing in my head. So many incredible thought leaders speaking had so many incredible practices to put in place once I returned to normal life.

One that resonated so deeply was that of setting intentions early in the morning right after waking up. It involved deep breathing and meditation on the things you wanted to accomplish that day. It isn’t just that but I have simplified it here.

This morning I woke easily without an alarm, drank a whole water bottle down, got comfy in my big leather chair with a journal not even cracked open once with the label “my breakthrough year” on the leather cover. I cleared my mind through breathing, returning to my center.

I imagined and visualized my house completely clean and clutter free, felt how peaceful and calm it would make me, smelled the smells of the candle I would light while cleaning, embodied the gratitude for a spotless environment. Then I did my journal work with affirmations. They came more freely than I expected they would.

I got out a new notebook, marked the date, and wrote out a long LONG list of all the areas of my house and things to clean. And I started. I didn’t schedule my day out. I took breaks for a salad lunch and some rewarding hot tub time. By 7pm, my entire list was checked off.

I spent the rest of my evening reading “The Master of Surrender” by Kute Blackson and catching up on social media and texts.

And I felt all the gratitude, smelled deeply the Vanilla Cashmere candle I had lit, and had peace. Just as I had experienced in the morning.

It wasn’t hard. It wasn’t a struggle. It just was intentional.

And I never want to spend another day differently.

Intentions

Slow start

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So far the six days of January have felt like the entire month of December, it has gone so slow. I woke up on January 2nd disoriented to my job, having ten days of holiday time before. I had to remember exactly what I was doing.

This year definitely feels different than all those before it. I feel much more grounded in my life purpose and goals. I feel satisfied with nearly every part of my life. I am in a wonderful committed relationship that breathes life into me every day. I am writing my first book and freeing my story from within. I really got started with my nonprofit organization that I hope to retire building and growing.

But all of that was lost on me on January 2nd. All the goal setting I did days earlier sat dormant in my new journal. I passed the minutes of the day trying to organize my jobs for the year and reach out to coworkers. I had a couple hot tub breaks just to separate the day into smaller sections I could handle.

I choose a word for every year. Last year was “Control” and this year I chose a phrase instead of one word, “Start to Finish.” I have decided procrastination is not going to be in my vocabulary this year or beyond. I will begin things with the end in mind.

Boxes stacked up by the door from Christmas were left untouched. Laundry was undone. Life just wasn’t starting when it felt like I was at the beginning of the rest of my life.

And that is okay.

It is okay sometimes to just not being feeling it. It is okay to decide to start tomorrow. Or next week. On Wednesday, I sat down and wrote down all the things I wanted to accomplish every week. And then I outlined a daily routine that included everything on my list. Now I could be sitting in the evening wondering what to do and look at my list and know what I should do at that moment.

It improved my Thursday and Friday. I am still not completely driven and I plan for that to happen next week. For now I am relaxing this weekend. I did get all the house cleaning done and the laundry started.

So if you are being hard on yourself for not jumping right in to your new year resolutions and goals. Tomorrow is another day. Next week will be there for that. And if not, it won’t matter anyway!

Slow start

Consistent Upturn

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I have been feeling it. That spark that starts small deep within and gets bigger and bigger until a strong flame emerges. I just keep feeding it with small weak kindling at first, then twigs, and finally I am throwing entire logs to keep the fire alive.

This is life now. I found happiness. I almost pause at saying that so as not to tempt God to take it away once more. It feels like this consistent upturn for me though, a mindset that is not going anywhere. And I embrace it.

It is interesting though, the timing at which this steady feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction has come into my life. I question really what I can attribute it to often. After all, I went through probably the second most traumatic loss of my life this last August. I also had to find a new job. My house was a mess. Nothing was pointing to a moment of happiness, let alone a whole season.

I believe that this is where the lesson and the truth is. Sometimes it is in the darkest of times that we can clearly see the light. We can decipher between something that is pretending to bring happiness and what truly does bring happiness. We know what direction we need to walk in.

I don’t feel like I have been in a storm and am now out of it. But perhaps that is exactly what has happened to me. When storms come and we don’t sway or falter, when our foundations are laid so strong and solid, when we are steadily growing in our good habits and our faith, we realize the storm raging outside of us isn’t getting in.

It has been stormy for months. Things are getting even more volatile with the transfer of my fiancé to a permanent facility. Yet our love and our bond, and my life’s endeavors, remain strong and safe inside.

Sometimes I open up that door just a crack and let the rain and the wind sweep in. I am reminded how warm and comforting it is inside of myself and inside of my love for others, and I go ahead and shut the door once again. It is a fleeting occurrence and nothing more.

Sometimes I feel like an imposter still. I feel like I am not qualified to weather this storm. I feel like I am not disciplined or simply just enough for all that I pile up on my plate.

My therapist suggested instead of feeling this way, I should reach out to people who know more than me so I can receive advice and answers and eliminate that fake feeling. So that is what I’ll do.

I never know how long the reprieve from depression will last. The brain has a good way of tricking you to believing you will feel whatever emotion you are having now, forever. But I do know that is never the case. Until then, I will be grateful for all the things I do have and like Blue October sang, “remain independently happy.”

Consistent Upturn