Thoughts and Prayers

My thoughts..

How horrific it is to imagine single-digit aged children witnessing real life blood and gore in a place they once ran and laughed and learned.

How awful it must be for 36 parents to end this day not knowing how their child’s day was because they didn’t have a chance to ask.

How implausible it is for so many to be arguing on social platforms at this time of mourning, putting all their anger in the wrong places.

How immensely grateful I am that my children’s school year ended a week ago and I don’t have to face the anxiety of an unknown tomorrow at school tomorrow.

How not every parent is blessed and must decide if school tomorrow or the next day or the next is important enough to send them off.

How empty it must feel for grieving families who do not know Jesus.

How empty it must feel for grieving families who do know Jesus.

How empty it feels….

My prayers…

That change would come quickly not just in the policies of the country but the hearts of every person.

That all would see the grace of God at work and find their part in being the grace of God to others.

That every child directly affected by today’s tragedy can rest and have peace.

That I can rest tonight and have peace.

That more beds and more hospitals and more doctors and more research can help the mental health crisis in our country.

That people can ask for help.

That people would notice the world around them and practice kindness.

That I can offer more than thoughts and prayers as it will never be enough.

Thoughts and Prayers

Beach Therapy

I bring something different every time I come to the ocean. Sometimes I am weighed down by depression. Sometimes I am uneasy with anxiety. There is also the occasional peaceful time in life.

But every time the ocean is the same. The muffled roar of waves reminding me of what is constant in life.

My favorite time to come to the ocean is nighttime or early morning hours. When I am there to sit alone with the reflecting moon and stars and miles of sand without a soul around.

It is a continual practice of calming my spirit, the absolute feeling of being alone but never feeling lonely. I try my hardest to capture this feeling, to take back a semblance of this peace in my life.

The ocean and I relate. Like old friends. When it is just the two of us, I am reminded of how my emotions are always there, crashing to the surface. Meeting the boundaries of the shore, the waves of feeling know their limits.

I leave changed. The problems dragging me down somehow feel smaller. The worries don’t matter anymore. All my emotions know their place. Balance is restored.

Beach Therapy

Summer Vacation

Did I jump the gun? Is it too early?

I guess I might have taken an abrupt hiatus from blogging. It wasn’t intentional, but also wasn’t aimlessly forgotten.

Today I read a post of someone who said she disappears a lot and she talked about how that was okay. I agree with her. It is okay sometimes to not have anything to share, to take in the world, to absorb what others give, and hold onto it for yourself.

I have held onto a lot in the last week or two. And really asked myself a lot of questions. May is Mental Health Awareness Month, along with several more specific “Weeks” and “Days” sprinkled throughout. In the past I would pour my heart out in FB posts and urge awareness and stigma-destruction. This year, I needed to absorb it all.

I needed to see if the world was catching on. I wanted to believe that all our speaking out really meant something. And it is hard. It is not easy to see the impact of it all in the midst of growing mental illness crisis in our communities.

I ask myself, is this blog just here for me to produce mental health awareness? Or do I talk about the trivial things too, like the fact I joined a dating challenge this week? Does either mean anything?

I don’t intend to sound negative. I know there is meaning in any attempt to connect and relate with the world around me. It is just difficult for me to talk about seemingly menial things when there is so much to be said about the things that truly matter.

So when I get done with this mental vacation, we’ll see where I land. Til next time!

**oh and also, if you want to send me potential men to date, my DM’s are open LOL #challengehomework

Summer Vacation

To The Core

So much is going on in our social and political climate today that is matched with public commentary from all sides. I struggle to voice my opinion on these matters for several reasons.

I made two major decisions as I matured from adolescence into adulthood. One, I would stop being fake and hiding behind a mask. And two, I would not share or dispute my core values and beliefs with the world at large.

These may seem like contradicting rules of behavior. I think they are actually complementary. What I gain from vulnerability in being open to those that want to see the real me is actually empathy and tolerance for those that differ from me.

This is not a perfect science. Occasionally, I find myself in a discussion that lends to “opening a can of worms” in terms of debating controversial topics. I do have to remind myself restraint is more in line with my core and I pull back to sharing my experience rather than my opinion.

That is the key I think.

What we need more of is sharing our personal experiences and less of arguing our personal opinions. When you can truly understand a person’s journey in life, the core beliefs take shape without even voicing them.

And it leaves the door open to drawing conclusions about your own life. I have held strong to the thought that two people discussing a deep-set value which is opposite from the other person will never be productive in changing either person’s mind. Debate of controversial topics will only further ingrain the existing opinion of each person. It serves no purpose.

But when we share our experiences with no agenda, we unleash a new world where people find similarities and differences can exist, and both sides can coexist.

The battle within me to stand up for the things I care about is not an easy thing in this realm of blogging. I don’t want to be silent. I don’t want to let the intolerance of the world and comparison game to hold me back.

So I will not back down from sharing who I am, through life experiences. And I will never impose my beliefs on anyone who reads my blog. My hope is anyone who reads my writing will be influenced positively, even to the core.

To The Core

Lull After the Storm

It is severe weather season in Oklahoma where I live. Every year around this time, the daily weather report comes out and usually contains a heads-up warning of when to be weather-aware for impending storms that may produce dangerous conditions.

The days leading up to the storms are filled with anticipation, mostly from the meteorologists and storm chasers. They are amped and ready to go. Eventually, the conditions develop and the minute-to-minute coverage begins.

As the storms start to spark up to my southwest, I take the tv off of mute and watch, listening for any signs danger is heading my way. I stop scrolling Facebook and instead jump back and forth between the national Mesonet radar and news channel radars on my phone. Rarely does “the” storm come through my neighborhood. In fact, it hasn’t happened yet.

But the activity and hype certainly dominates my time. Family group text and random texts from friends are filled with check-ins and commentary on the weather reporting. All is a buzz for the few hours leading up to the storm front blowing through. Coverage lasts until the storms pass the viewing area and move on to the next news station and the next set of people who are just starting the process I am finishing up.

And then there is the lull after the storm. It is an eerie quietness – the tv is put back on mute, the texts die down almost from exhaustion, and I suddenly realize it is 11pm and I haven’t had dinner.

This happens in the course of our lives too, and I am not talking about weather. We start to see the signs of burnout, mental stress, and circumstances all pointing to the conditions needed for a potentially dangerous situation (PDS as our weathermen like to call it). Sometimes it hits us out of the blue but as we get wiser to the symptoms and we keep our eye on the radar of our lives, we can prepare that safe spot to go to and ride out the storm.

Last week was a PDS for me. Days prior, I received a new assignment for cleaning up a work project that was in addition to my 8 other projects, knowing 3 of them were needing to be finished by the end of the week. It was the final week of public accounting busy season. All the indicators of stress and mental struggle were showing in the disarray of my house and building up laundry and dishes. Friends and family were reaching out about impending crisis and wanting my input.

I weathered the storm. I shifted my energy into writing and produced five days of content that had been held inside for a long time. I stayed focus on my work tasks and gave myself grace on the housework. I kept going to therapy to offload everything that was happening. My mental health safe spot was ready and equipped with everything I needed.

You may have noticed I didn’t post anything this week. And I think there is a good reason for that. I think the lull after the storm is just as necessary as all the activity that happens when the storm is raging. We use it to pick up the pieces and process. And that is exactly what I did.

I have refocused and reorganized my work to do list. I have adjusted to the decrease in hours that will remain until the next busy season. I pulled out the trash bags and the vacuum cleaner, loaded the dishwasher and gathered the laundry. I checked my mailbox and opened my daily planner again.

I am not sure when the next round of storms is coming but I am ready. What I do know is out of every storm comes inspiration to do more and do better the next time. I truly hope I keep the motivation to fulfill those inspired thoughts. “Stay weather-aware” has taken on a whole new meaning for me now.

Lull After the Storm

Day 5: Discharge

**This week’s blog posts are dedicated to advocating for effective mental health treatment and educating patients, family, and friends in all areas of inpatient psychiatric care. The perspectives shared here are not that of a mental health professional, but rather someone with lived experience. Information shared may not align with every circumstance or viewpoint of readers, but is meant to offer guidance in an area that is often confusing and holds little resources.**

When the day finally arrives for the patient to be discharged from the hospital and return home, reactions from everyone involved can vary tremendously. The most common reaction is worry. Is she really ready to be released? Will he stick to the treatment plan? Am I being honest about feeling better to the hospital staff or do I just really want to leave and be in the comfort of my own home? The typical length of hospital stay in the United States is now a week or less. Is this enough time to assess, treat, and stabilize a person who was a harm to themselves or others just last week?

I have spent the majority of this week focused on practical matters to consider when you or a loved one is in inpatient psychiatric care. While I still want to provide that today, I feel there is a significant elephant in the room that needs to be discussed as well. For that reason, the second part of today’s blog will talk about the possibility of readmission due to inadequate length of stay in the hospital.

Getting out of the hospital may seem like the top goal in the minds of family and friends, but even more so in the mind of the patient. While there is the occasional patient who feels safe and comfortable and want to remain in the hospital longer, for the most part, asking when they will be released comes up regularly during their stay. Be aware that in any situation involving suicidal thoughts, plans, or behaviors, legal involuntary hospitalization becomes a factor and when to leave the hospital is not something the patient can decide for themselves.

Several factors appear to influence the length of stay for a patient. Mental state, including suicidality, are assessed continuously and weigh into the decision. Unfortunately, one of the other factors at play is the approved length of stay for the individual’s insurance policy whereby payment is agreed to be made. I have encountered a person who had been in hospitals frequently and said their stays were always exactly 9 days, regardless of how they were doing, when they realized this was the maximum number of days insurance paid. In any case, the date of discharge is largely out of the patient or family’s control.

In the days leading up to discharge, the facility will work to satisfy requirements for release. This includes scheduled appointments for follow-up outpatient care with a psychiatrist and therapist. The timeframe these must occur varies from state to state and even location to location, but typically a psychiatrist visit is set for within a week of discharge and a therapist within one month of discharge. This is in order to transfer the prescribing of medications to an outside doctor. In some cases, patients do not have the funds, transportation, or support system to make it to these appointments, thus having no refills of medications used to stabilize their condition, and starting what has been coined “the revolving door” effect.

As far as practical advice, here is the little I have to offer: Maintain expectations – The purpose of inpatient care is to address the immediate need of safety of the individual or others. It is not to see through to complete recovery of the current condition. This means, for the most part, people leaving a facility will still have many depression and anxiety symptoms that need to be addressed. Do not expect this person to re-enter their daily routine of work, child care, homemaking, or social lifestyle. While it is important to try and create an environment of normalcy, don’t carry any expectations and instead take cues from the person who was in crisis as to level of activity. It is sometimes helpful to transition slowly by maintaining the same schedule they had in the hospital for several days and focusing on setting up the treatment plan.

Below is some fascinating context provided for a large-scale study on readmittance of psychiatric patients within 30 and 180 days of discharge:

  • In 1955, the peak of state hospitalization, there were 560,000 beds available for an estimated 3.3 million American adults living with serious mental illness and other disabilities. By early 2016, after more than half a century of deinstitutionalization, there were slightly fewer than 38,000 beds for 8.1 million people with the same conditions.
  • Psychiatric hospitalization is the single greatest direct cost of serious mental illness. In 2013, schizophrenia hospitalization alone cost the United States $11.5 billion, of which $646 million resulted from readmission within 30 days of discharge.
  • Releasing patients faster creates more bed capacity without requiring new beds. Under the influence of widespread psychiatric bed shortages and pressure to reduce hospitalization costs, length of stay has been shrinking for decades. In 1980, the median LOS for an acute episode of schizophrenia was 42 days. By 2013, it was about 7 days.
  • More people are competing for an ever smaller number of inpatient psychiatric beds, where they stay ever shorter periods of time, after which they are more likely to be readmitted to the same hospital within weeks to six months of discharge.

Taken from the Executive Summary of the report:

“The analysis found a statistically significant association between shorter hospital stays and
rapid rehospitalization across the states. Among the findings:

  • Patients in states with the shortest LOS were nearly three times more likely to be re-admitted into a state hospital within 30 days or 180 days of discharge than patients in states with the longest LOS.
  • Eleven states had a median LOS of two weeks or less. In those states, 1 in 10 patients (10.8%) was rehospitalized within 30 days of discharge, and slightly more than two in 10 patients (22%) were readmitted within 180 days.
  • Nine states had a median LOS of four months or more. In those states, 2.8% (fewer than three in 100) patients were readmitted within 30 days of discharge, and 7.9% (fewer than eight in 100) were readmitted within 180 days.”

Some limitations of this study are they were conducted only in public state hospitals and only counted one readmission to the original admitting facility and did not factor in multiple readmissions. In my opinion, readmissions often occur to a different facility and private facilities are driven more by insurance standards. I believe these statistics to be under-reported with relapse and readmittance being more common than we know.

I wish there was more call to action I could present here. The only way for forward progress is unfortunately through the legislative system. Currently, Medicare excludes payment in any institution for mental disease (IMD) with more than 16 beds. This has resulted in the above 2016 statistic where there are only 12 beds per 100,000 people with a mental illness diagnosis. This is unacceptable and discriminatory. I suggest becoming active in advocacy and speaking to your local legislators to influence change. If you need suggestions on where to get started, please message me and we can work together towards a change to this system.

Day 5: Discharge